Harry Potter poetry jam session

As everyone who’s cool knows, on Friday, November 19th Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out.  A bunch of us are going to see it opening night.  No more midnight showings for me; I’m old now.  Some of the losers people who bought tickets have not read the books or seen all the movies (*cough* Nathan), so Nathan suggested a night where we would eat his world-famous LSU jambalaya and I would explain the major characters and plot points so people can explain the 7th movie.

Nathan’s jambalaya is, to put it mildly (har har), extremely spicy.  The last time he made it, several people couldn’t eat it because it was so spicy.  So this time around, he said that people could make special requests of him.  However, there was a catch.  And then that catch snowballed into an epic Terrible Harry Potter Poetry email jam.

Nathan:

If you do have a special request for jambalaya night, your reply must be a “reply to all” and must be in poetry. See below:

My name is Christine, I don’t wanna be mean,
But Nathan your food, it’s too hot of sorts.
It is not my fault, that your culinary assault,
Hurts like a boiling brew from Hogwarts.

Christine:

Christine in the hood.  The jamba better be good.
Jotto, a request, you should fill at my behest:
Since the theme (Harry Potter) to me is so dear,
Can you make your magnficent brew, butterbeer?

-My name ain’t Lynn, you darn Slytherin.

Jameson:

Cacker, my friend, you know I can.
I’ll brew up some buttahbeer because you’re such a huge fan.
I’ll stop by HEB and get some soda of the cream variety
So we can celebrate HP with the utmost accuracy and piety.

Steve:

There once was a dude named Steve,
That he could not attend he was peeved,
For playoff football will make this poor guy bawl,
A time-turner’s all that he needs.

Vanessa:

I want to ride the poetry wagon…
I’m so excited to see “How To Train Your Dragon”!!!
Oh crap! What I meant to say was Harry Potter 7?
Oh Lord…now my cheeks are starting to redden.

Truth be told, I have only read books 1 through page 50 of book 2?
Obviously a swift beating from Harry’s wand is due
I’m a poser when it comes to this wizardry knowledge
Christine~where can I enroll in a Hogwarts College?

Annette:

Because my schedule is so dense
I am very much on the fence
About whether I’ll attend the party.
So Mr. Nathan, please feel free
To make the jambalaya so spicy
That any unfortunate attendee
Will later cry when they pee.

If I can make it I’ll be late
Because I dance from six to eight.
And I (alas) must drive in lieu
Of the powder of the Floo.

So hence my following verse
Will focus on the cobbler.
I’ll be straightforward and terse
And declare you must bother
To save me some, or I’ll curse,
And your hides will be fodder.
Of my wrath nothing is worse.
(Except the Cowboys’ roster!)

Nathan:

This Poetry Wagon that you ride, is it a Conestoga in style?
I can keep this pioneer metaphor going for a while.
If Harry is the sheriff of a nerdy wild west,
he’ll have his trusty stallion Hedwig ready to endure any test.

I have much to learn about these films, you could even call me naive.
But when it comes to all things nerdy I shall need no reprieve,
There’s no doubt that I am nerdy, look at my bookshelf and my glasses,
and my knowledge when it comes to all the woodwinds and the brasses.

But I am clueless when it comes to this here series of books.
Which is why I’ll be the quiet one, the hipster dude who cooks.
I know that the dude from Love Actually plays a character named Snape.
Are you going to judge me if I choose to wear a cape?

Christine:

Tomorrow you shall receive an education fine
Based on all the nerdy knowledge that is mine.
Plot points you’ll learn for the necessity
To understand movie 7 of HP.

This evening I shall spend in analysis and review
I might even build a poster or two.
One for the good guys, one for the bad,
Although the line’s not always so clear (that’s why HP is so rad!).

Jameson:

What Cacker says about the unclear line is right.
Is wizard Hans Gruber evil or is he just?
And Ron Weasley, where’s he in this fight?
He’s a ginger kid, so surely act loathsome he must?

Of these questions and more you’ll be enlightened
So come eat jambalaya, drink butterbeer, and be merry.
You’ll leave Nathan’s with your belly full and your smile brightened
Because this night will be legen . . . wait for it . . . DARY!

Annette:

Here’s your chance to shout “hooray!”
As I reenter the poetic fray…
Really bad rhymes are my guilty vice
And I feel that in sheer quantity,
My first cameo now doesn’t suffice.

You know, the Jambalaya, cobbler, and butterbeer
Will likely conspire to make one feel quite queer.
I can already foresee the stomach irritation
That will arise from this solemn celebration.
But fear not! Cast aside your trepidation,
For when your intestine painfully thrums,
I’ll step from my shiny white car, bearing Tums.

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3 Responses to “Harry Potter poetry jam session”

  1. blair Says:

    I am not shocked at all that this happened. This is why Nathan is my best guy friend. 🙂 And why I hold you dear too. 🙂

  2. Brandan Says:

    this is why I miss you all sooo much!

  3. Brandan Says:

    Missed the jam session
    Now going to miss the feast
    Miss you all the most

    — that is how I should have responded

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